10.20.2020 A week after mom passed away

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Lately, I have been waking up in the middle of the night. Sometimes, I am awake at five or six and usually wouldn’t  be able to go back to sleep afterward- memory flashbacks like movies.  

I could’ve taken sleeping pills for it, but I don’t want to. I want to experience them, the thoughts, the emotions. I want to capture them instead of  letting them fade away. I do not want to let go of anything that’s related to you. I am scared that I will forget about you. I want to utilize words to solidify the fluidity of the mind- let it become something that I can hold on to. I want to hold on to you forever. 

Someone sent me messages asking if I was okay. To be honest to others and myself, I am not. Depressed? Sure. I am fully aware of that. It’s painful not knowing what you are going through, and there is the other which you know exactly what’s going on. On one hand you are the watcher, keeping yourself in check. On the other hand, you know this is a process. You must take a deeper dive into the unknown, lose yourself to the highs and the lows. Then you can come back and breathe again. 

I used to think strength is when you are immune to pain. It’s not. Having strength can mean you are able to feel deeply, feel it all but not let it devour you. You come back not to be numb, instead remain gentle and compassionate to the world. The ability to endure and transform your pain is what being strong truly means.  Let yourself feel and elevate. 

Now more than 100 days later…. part of the poem from Amanda Gorman The Hill We Climb resonated with me deeply-

“That even as we grieved, we grew. That even as we hurt, we hoped; that even as we tired, we tried; … …

For there is always light. If only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it.

Be happy be free,

Tiffanie ❤

12.31. 2020 End of Year Simple Reflection

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These questions were posed to people around the country……As the sun sets on 2020, let’s reflect on the year that was……..

1) What is a new skill you’ve learned this year?-Able to do planks on a reformer

2) What is the best purchase you’ve made during the pandemic?-A private Pilates session/ Subscription to Headspace

3) If you could go back to March, what is one tip you would tell yourself about surviving the rest of the year?-Inhale 2345 Exhale 2345; this is just a phase, we will get through this; Use your time wisely; Focus ( this is all one tip lol)

4) What is one thing from this year that you DON’T want to forget?-Mom was set free from being bedbound for five years (caused by a brain aneurysm) (I have to add one that follows -People that have given me hugs/supports physically and virtually)

5) Is there something in your life that you used to do before the pandemic but won’t do again in the future?-Saying No to things before I give it a try

What are your answers?

Love&Light,

Tiffanie

Rain, in your black eyes- 12.14.2020

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People walked away from you because you feel too deeply, love too fiercely, show them too much of your true character, care too much, and open up yourself too much. They call you weird, but what if, just play with the idea that you are gifted with an extraordinary ability to feel and to sense. They might laugh at you; they can walk away from you. Don’t walk away from your gift. You are gifted. Follow your senses, look for clues, it’s leading you down a different path. The path that was not there, awaiting you to create, to walk upon.

Remember, creating this path will not be easy. It will be wild and there will be thorns. You need to be brave. You might get lost. You might be discouraged. Be mindful. Having a strong “why” is a must. You might be persuaded to give up by your peers or your families, who don’t share your visions and your passion. They might walk away from you, and this is exactly why a strong “why” is needed

Great alignment with your heart, soul, mind, and clear mission leads to slow and steady progress. Remember, Rome was not built in a day. Work hard, let go of your expectations, and you will get there. Don’t give up.

10.18.2020

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Tonight I somehow thought of these lyrics from

Moment of Truth – Gang Starr

Sometimes you gotta dig deep, when problems come near

Don’t fear things get severe for everybody everywhere

Why do bad things happen, to good people?

Seems that life is just a constant war between good and evil

The situation that I’m facin, is mad amazin

To think such problems can arise from minor confrontations

Now I’m contemplatin in my bedroom pacin

Dark clouds over my head, my heart’s racin

Suicide? nah, I’m not a foolish guy

Don’t even feel like drinking, or even gettin high

Cause all that’s gonna do really, is accelerate

The anxieties that I wish I could alleviate

But wait, I’ve been through a whole lot of other shit, before

So I oughta be able, to withstand some more

But I’m sweating though, my eyes are turning red and yo

I’m ready to lose my mind but instead I use my mind

… …

Yo I got one lyric pointed at your head for start

Another one, is pointed at your weak ass heart.

*****

I have to say that often times I think I am a tough chick and I am strong. You know like the type that they are so independent and don’t need anybody else in their lives. When you keep thinking that way you BECOME your thinking. And I did, to a point where I felt that I had to load up all the burdens on my shoulders and hold on to all the worries within me. They might not show on the outside but slowly they are eating me up from the inside.

It’s easier to bottle up, to hold on rather than letting go. And letting go requires courage.

*****

I feel like crying at the moment because the one Pilates teacher that has been training me is going to be on sick leave. For these months, I feel like I have grown so much and making progress toward something more real, mentally and physically. It’s hard to hear she will be away- the person that saw more potential and believed in me more than I did. What I have been thinking about is now manifesting in reality- that one day, I need to be my own coach. I need to be the one that sees potential and deeply believes in my ability(especially when facing hardships.) I need to be the one that keeps “yelling” at myself- “Amazing! Keeping lifting up higher! Just a few more seconds! You didn’t breathe right, so you need to re-do it.” The day has come. It’s a test. All the pain is a test. My first reaction was feeling like crying, it’s human. Fears, perhaps. And instantly I refused the chance to work with other instructors. Quickly I realized that I was retracting to my old self and reacting in the same way. Then I stopped and told myself I need to stop acting like a big baby. I need to continue to work on my weaknesses and keep building on what we have built while she is away. I have to start thinking differently – I am strong. I am capable. I am unstoppable.

My instructor’s first name means to “shine from bright joy” in Greek. I thought that was interesting. Lastly, she might be the light, she might be the guide, but I am the captain and my will drives the ship. I can either go back, stay at the same spot, or continue my exploration forward. It’s all in my control.

12.13.2020- two months after mom passed away. I think I slipped, falling back to how I used to be spending much time on social media. As a result and like you have read above, my thoughts are little scattered. Social medias are powerful tools. If you are not using them mindfully, they are simply traps/rabbit holes harnessing your daily energy and valuable time.

12.18.2013 – Presence.Thoughts&Quotes

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  1. People tend to like expensive gifts. Honestly, so do I. I like expensive gifts too. The most expensive gifts, the most precious ones that one could ever offer are their presence, time&attentiveness. I want that. All of that.

”Thich Nhat Hanh: Because you are fully there, you recognize the presence of your beloved as something very precious. You embrace your beloved with mindfulness. And he or she will bloom like a flower. To be loved means to be recognized as existing…”


2. It doesn’t matter when I like, where I like, who I like, how I like, what I like, but why I like- sometimes, it can be described through words, but captured in an image.

3. “Be good or be good at it.”

4. Nowadays everyone is a philosopher. Some were born one. Some were made into one. And some pretending to be one. 
 
5.”But why should I be original? Why can’t I be non-original?” …. why can’t I be special that way? Andy Warhol

6.What’s in the mind that prevents us from getting hurt also distant us from getting closer to love. 

7. 最近一直沉淪在想著一個人，思考一段往事，造成現時煩惱。我是那種哲學家，偵探家，想看透人心理的人的思維。（而我最留意的就是自己的，先看透自己，才可以看透別人。）不想相信或停留在事件的表面。 一直在思考，一直在回想，其他人的話我都會聼不進去，唯有到了自己真正找到那答案才會停止。到最后原來，問題就在於那問題。不停的思考，就因爲我不願意讓自己的思緒去有一刻的休止。仿佛就是一個惡性循環，思考問題，問題沒有答案，繼續回到思考。到最後，我終于記得那一句， 

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

當你看進深淵時，深淵同時也在看透了你。
有時對於情緒困擾，停留在表面就是最好的辦法。停止吧。去做一做其它的東西，感覺就會好多了。（以上建議只提供於一般壓力所帶來的情緒問題，如果感覺生活上各活動都無法進行。不要考慮，去找心理治療師，會有用的。）

8.人生，最貼切的形容詞是”無常。”

9. Many days in life like today, you realize you have a lot of thoughts and doubts on your mind. Each of them has a voice and wants to be the winner of this ”debate” occurs in your tiny brain. You want to ignore them…but the harder you try the louder they get. You start to panic. Remember all you have to do is to let them all out, let them get tired and they will rest on their own… the moment of peace will come… …surrender.

10. In a materialistic culture, you are conditioned to react, to acquire from your surroundings when you feel that you lack certain things in your life. That often fails us. Instead you should look inward. Search within and you should find.

If a person keeps looking for love and attention from the outside, does that mean this person has not loved/paid enough attention to herself/himself?  

Many years later answering my own question – I don’t think that this person hasn’t loved herself enough. Getting love/like/attention from the outside is easy, and easy comes easy goes. -2020

11. Every day, every second, people update you on their emotional “wellbeing” verbally, visually, so easily… and it’s like the emotion becomes the air, taking up as much space as they can, you are encapsulated by these “micro-emotion.” Sometimes, I am just so tired….. I really want to breathe… a breath of fresh air. Be conscious and be that breath of fresh air for someone, today.

12. Physical pain has an negative effect on your mental health and vice versa. 

13. “过去已过去。未来 ，才是值得一谈的事。” 

2020—–>

14. Suffering is like an ocean. If you stay calm, you would stay afloat and feel the greatest feeling ever felt on earth, being gravity free. If you panic, you will sink and get devoured by it.

15. Love is Love. Avoidance is avoidance. If anyone tells you they don’t want to hurt you and starts avoiding you, that’s not love. That’s the opposite of love, absence of love. When one loves you, they will be there and do whatever it takes to protect you. Walk away, set them free, set yourself free.

16. Even with meditations, I want to overdoes on it, that’s how much I want to speed up the healing process; how much I want to be normal and loving again. Girl, slow down, it’s mediation, not medication. #loss&grief

17. I am seeing patterns. How was I so blind and got dragged into the same vortex. Karma, I blame and I need to break it even with tremendous pain.

18. Recently, someone asked me a question, when was the last time I had “such” be honest. Although I knew it was general question, somehow I felt that my characters were being questioned/attacked. I can’t help but felt upset. I really shouldn’t feel that way, I know me, you don’t.

19. I feel a sense of heaviness. For me, I always want to communicate my perspective/feelings and have a desire to understand the other person’s point of view. The heaviness comes when the other person is not willing/unable to share their side; that I try to so hard to “dig,” to look for the clue, the truth. However, the truth/reality is present, right in front of me, I don’t accept it/surrender to the moment. Maybe that’s the actual heaviness, my inability to just accept what’s in front of me and let it be, let it go.

12.14.2013

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有时就很想问自己
什么是对
什么是错
究竟现在自己在做什么
很想每样事情都有一个清清楚楚地答案
但世界每样事情都可能有一个答案  不是一个唯一的答案 
你有权选择去相信 你有权去选择怀疑
但就发觉相信与否却是看自己都这事紧张的程度
或者自己太紧张这一切
得与失
看得太重 
害怕失去现在拥有的
害怕改变 
害怕被骗
是否年纪大了都这样
害怕一切都要重新开始
害怕这个 
害怕那个
一切一切
看到的只有恐惧
自己变得寸步难行
自己变了杞人忧天的又一受害者

黑与白 
人生或者是在中间 有点灰 有点不清楚 但有时放手放下恐惧 再抓紧去相信自己 相信你所相信的会带你去你想去的地方

So refreshing to see how my younger self had such deep insight. Over the years, not sure what or how, got myself so numb or blind. Maybe interruptions of life are good. When a crack takes place, light can come in again and let me see the things I cannot see anymore.

Be happy be free,

Tiffanie 11.07.2020  

06.27.2013 Random thoughts Chn

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2013-6-27 09:39:47

 久违的中文字 久违的博客

好久都没有用文字去记载自己的思想

有时我想为什么就不写在自己的日记本子内 然后我发觉原来对电脑打字上了瘾

喜欢手指在键盘上敲打的声音 喜欢在打错字时可以用回车键然后将错的字不留痕迹的改去

喜欢将那曾有的疯狂想法彻底否决 然后删除 再忘记

我在想我写在本子上和博客上又会有什么不同

日记对于我来说是很私人的东西

所有不安 情感的烦恼 怨恨 我都会记上去

我觉得日记是我的一个很大的足球场 在那我 可以很自由地奔跑 可以做自己想做的 无局无促

但见到现在很多人在博客或其他地方都可以表达出自己最深层的感受时候

我才发觉我自己是个很内捻的人

又或者我不想连那最后的自由 自己的感情坦荡荡 都被将事物过分曝光的网络扼杀了

但到最后 他人的日记又有几成是真 几成是假的？

真真假假 假假真真

对外人 有时不太重要 但对自己 记得要在本子上的和你网上打的要一样 和你心里的一样

对自己坦诚才是最重要

自己都不能面对真实自己的人 在他人面前还会有多真？

网络的世界 繁忙的生活 人吃人的社会

做自己的却很艰难

不过不要放弃

你不一定会多人喜欢 但你是人 不是神

即使你是神也会有恨你的人

神不是完美 我也不是完美

那就是世界 一个不完美的世界 有着你我的存在 有着一个所谓自己有改变世界的能力的心态

活着自我  就是一种奇迹 就是精彩

最近 我和我姐说 我很累

她问我是什么令我变得那么沮丧和悲观

我回答人生就很累 你有很多东西想做 但每件事 每件大事 结婚生子 买车买楼

甚至死亡丧礼 都要慢慢的 一步一步 时间去成就 都要有准备

当我们付出了很多 回报却迟迟未来的时候 真的很累 累到想放弃 一走了之

但走去哪里 哪里才不用付出努力 就可以即刻收取回报

等待 两个字的长度 却是可以使那么漫长 无止境

姐说我想太多 我想也是 所以我买了瓶红酒 自己喝

一醉 不可以解千愁 但可以短暂让我睡一觉 头脑清醒了一下

我刚刚说要喝酒去清醒脑袋 我笑了

其实红酒不错啊 帮助血液循环 抗氧化

第二天日觉得肚子都空了 朋友还说可以减肥

小赌怡情 或者 小醉令世界瞬间更美妙

我也终于明白为何古时的诗人大文豪都要有酒相伴

或者他们的感情实在太丰富 对事事都有多多感概

只可用酒释怀 舒畅舒畅

暂时有个忘我的境界

There are thoughts best be expressed in Chinese.

Be happy be free,

Tiffanie

11.07.2020

10.14.2020

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My brother-in-law woke me at three in the morning. Witnessing my mother’s cremation, watching her transform into ashes, was a brutal blow to reality. Each wave of grief felt like the first, a relentless assault.

It was a suffocating experience – my body trembling, tears streaming uncontrollably. The world felt hostile, leaving me with an overwhelming sense of helplessness. I yearned to lash out, to break things, but all my strength had vanished. I cried until exhaustion finally overtook me, and I drifted back to sleep around five or six.

Given all the data and introspection, can we ever truly control anything in this life? Our birth, our death, the fleeting moments with loved ones – these are largely beyond our grasp.

Ultimately, all that remains are our ashes and the profound relationships and memories we’ve forged. We may believe ourselves to be the drivers of our own destinies, but perhaps we are merely passengers on this journey?

LT. 2020

10.05.2020 Notes on Rehab

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“An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction(unless acted upon by an unbalanced force)”  -Newton’s first law of motion

The day after a Pilates mat class, my body was sore. Strangely, I felt lighter physically and mentally – the feeling of being centered/grounded and your extremities are so free to move; like your arms can reach a little higher and you can run a little faster if you want to.

As someone who suffers from L4 & L5 issues(disc bulging from injuries and living mostly a sedentary lifestyle), I feel discouraged and often stopped by the idea that working out will give me more pain. In some cases, it did. I think it happened because for a few reasons-

*One, I exercised without properly warming up my muscles.

*Second, I wasn’t listening to my body nor did I gradually build up the intensity of an exercise. I went in full force all at once while Ignoring the fundamentals and the proper form.

*Last but not least, I did not educate or get to know more about my condition; or research on exercises that will actually do goods to improve my condition. Instead, I took a “one exercise fits all” approach or a Nike mentality – “Just do it.” haha

As reflecting on past experiences, dedicating little or no time and inappropriate exercises, literally like my Osteo. doctor stated, as a result – I wasn’t getting worse but I was not getting better either.

Think again, I realized my whole approach has been in the wrong direction. I have been trying to push my mind and body condition back to a state before injuries. What I should do and is doing at this moment is to –

  1. accept and be mindful that my body and mind are no longer the same as they were (mind- fears of getting re-injured or helplessness/body-stiffness; poor posture due to muscle spasms……)
  2. understand things have taken a turn and I am starting from a different point.
  3. reassess strengths and weaknesses.
  4. after that, be conscious about existing weaknesses but not be discouraged by them.
  5. in the meantime, work on strengths. Focus on things that can be worked on and dedicate quality time/hard work to it as much as possible.
  6. observe and make tweaks if needed to achieve maximum results.

In addition, it’s always good to track progress in great detail. It would serve not only as a record but for a compare and contrast purpose in workouts’ effectiveness. It would also be fun to ask a good friend to work out with us/check on us or to push us to best carry out the plans.

I hope that sharing my experiences can help you to improve your state of health. Typing down all these has definitely deepened my thinking on approaches to rehabilitate my body and strengthen the will.

Feel free to comment with your tips for healing, the mind and the body.

*** side notes- It feels amazing how such mental clarities I am experiencing these days. I hope I can continue to ride with this momentum further down the current direction.

**Cough cough** plug in – Thank you Pilates!

Be happy be free,

Tiffanie ❤