10.13.2020

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The day you left or should I say you have returned to where you came from? Where you actually belong.  

The sky was crying or was that you?

Your soul was trapped. 

Your body was shackled to bed and entangled by tubes. 

I could feel you.

Finally set free from being held in for so long. 

I know you were tired. 

Very tired.  

*

You were the rain.

Gently coming down and saturating the soil

like your love for the three of us, for the people around you

nurturing and cultivating us, naturally, unconditionally 

we grow and blossom 

I don’t want you to go

I wish I could hold on to you tightly, forever

I would beg on my knees 

Use my time on this earth in exchange to extend yours

I know that’s just me being childish 

you were tired 

I need to let you go, regardless of how much it hurts from within

I love you and I have to set you free 

*

Everyone said sorry for my loss

I never owned you, mother

I am part of you, a continuation of you 

I am you 

I will take good care of myself 

Hopefully becoming a strong woman like you 

Continue to give,to love, selflessly 

Be an anchor for self and others

*

I never thought that I would start enjoying a rainy day

I never thought that I could be so calm 

Oh 

I am you, mother 

I am the rain 

Rest in peace now and see you later, mommy.  

10.13.2020 time 8:15am location – Downtown Boston

10.04.2020

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Today, I took a virtual Pilates class on mat with Peggy from Bodytonic . 

One thing she said was, “No judgement, go at your own pace. Your strength will build up day by day”

That instantly cleared my head and stopped me from worrying. I think I performed better than I imagined I could. (aka I was able to follow along and finish the reps with her, most of the time. )  I still wanted to do more even after her class finished. 

Lately I found myself being extremely inpatient. I need to set a constant reminder to self, you don’t build true strength in seconds/days/weeks. It takes months or years consistently, plus the accumulation of sweat, tears, pain, for it to develop and be maintained. 

Slow progress is still progress. Trust and enjoy the process. Let those abs burn! Believe me you will come out feeling stronger and a bit freer. 

Be happy be free,

Tiffany ❤

9.30.2020

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Scrolling on instagram, one hour seems like a second. Working out on the reformer/cadillac, one second feels like an eternity. 

Sorry Pilates, I have underestimated you.  Little did I know that Pilates increases my stamina- giving me strength to get up in the mornings later on when it feels like an absolute drag.

You don’t stop when you are tired, stop when you are done. 

“Just a few more seconds! You can do this! Push through and you can rest!” Instructor Chara’s  voice is now forever imprinted in my head. 

I used to think about going back to the gym at midnight, now I cannot wait to get back on a reformer.  Such an elegant and sophisticated apparatus!

****

Strangely, many years later, I am back on WordPress. Trying to write and with the same idea in mind – you are not alone.

I am tired of Instagram. It’s so much about trends, exaggerated reactions, and sales. I mean, of course, there are good inspirations, but much of them do not sustain. It’s not enough for me at this moment any more. I want to see more depth of my self and of life.

I hope writing and looking inward is going to help me find what I am looking for.

Be happy be free,

Tiffanie ❤