Lately, I have been waking up in the middle of the night. Sometimes, I am awake at five or six and usually wouldn’t  be able to go back to sleep afterward- memory flashbacks like movies.  

I could’ve taken sleeping pills for it, but I don’t want to. I want to experience them, the thoughts, the emotions. I want to capture them instead of  letting them fade away. I do not want to let go of anything that’s related to you. I am scared that I will forget about you. I want to utilize words to solidify the fluidity of the mind- let it become something that I can hold on to. I want to hold on to you forever. 

Someone sent me messages asking if I was okay. To be honest to others and myself, I am not. Depressed? Sure. I am fully aware of that. It’s painful not knowing what you are going through, and there is the other which you know exactly what’s going on. On one hand you are the watcher, keeping yourself in check. On the other hand, you know this is a process. You must take a deeper dive into the unknown, lose yourself to the highs and the lows. Then you can come back and breathe again. 

I used to think strength is when you are immune to pain. It’s not. Having strength can mean you are able to feel deeply, feel it all but not let it devour you. You come back not to be numb, instead remain gentle and compassionate to the world. The ability to endure and transform your pain is what being strong truly means.  Let yourself feel and elevate. 

Now more than 100 days later…. part of the poem from Amanda Gorman The Hill We Climb resonated with me deeply-

“That even as we grieved, we grew. That even as we hurt, we hoped; that even as we tired, we tried; … …

For there is always light. If only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it.

Be happy be free,

Tiffanie ❤