Tonight I somehow thought of these lyrics from

Moment of Truth – Gang Starr

Sometimes you gotta dig deep, when problems come near

Don’t fear things get severe for everybody everywhere

Why do bad things happen, to good people?

Seems that life is just a constant war between good and evil

The situation that I’m facin, is mad amazin

To think such problems can arise from minor confrontations

Now I’m contemplatin in my bedroom pacin

Dark clouds over my head, my heart’s racin

Suicide? nah, I’m not a foolish guy

Don’t even feel like drinking, or even gettin high

Cause all that’s gonna do really, is accelerate

The anxieties that I wish I could alleviate

But wait, I’ve been through a whole lot of other shit, before

So I oughta be able, to withstand some more

But I’m sweating though, my eyes are turning red and yo

I’m ready to lose my mind but instead I use my mind

… …

Yo I got one lyric pointed at your head for start

Another one, is pointed at your weak ass heart.

*****

I have to say that often times I think I am a tough chick and I am strong. You know like the type that they are so independent and don’t need anybody else in their lives. When you keep thinking that way you BECOME your thinking. And I did, to a point where I felt that I had to load up all the burdens on my shoulders and hold on to all the worries within me. They might not show on the outside but slowly they are eating me up from the inside.

It’s easier to bottle up, to hold on rather than letting go. And letting go requires courage.

*****

I feel like crying at the moment because the one Pilates teacher that has been training me is going to be on sick leave. For these months, I feel like I have grown so much and making progress toward something more real, mentally and physically. It’s hard to hear she will be away- the person that saw more potential and believed in me more than I did. What I have been thinking about is now manifesting in reality- that one day, I need to be my own coach. I need to be the one that sees potential and deeply believes in my ability(especially when facing hardships.) I need to be the one that keeps “yelling” at myself- “Amazing! Keeping lifting up higher! Just a few more seconds! You didn’t breathe right, so you need to re-do it.” The day has come. It’s a test. All the pain is a test. My first reaction was feeling like crying, it’s human. Fears, perhaps. And instantly I refused the chance to work with other instructors. Quickly I realized that I was retracting to my old self and reacting in the same way. Then I stopped and told myself I need to stop acting like a big baby. I need to continue to work on my weaknesses and keep building on what we have built while she is away. I have to start thinking differently – I am strong. I am capable. I am unstoppable.

My instructor’s first name means to “shine from bright joy” in Greek. I thought that was interesting. Lastly, she might be the light, she might be the guide, but I am the captain and my will drives the ship. I can either go back, stay at the same spot, or continue my exploration forward. It’s all in my control.

12.13.2020- two months after mom passed away. I think I slipped, falling back to how I used to be spending much time on social media. As a result and like you have read above, my thoughts are little scattered. Social medias are powerful tools. If you are not using them mindfully, they are simply traps/rabbit holes harnessing your daily energy and valuable time.