Story Time 1. 4/18/2024

Deeply rooted & blossomed.

Yesterday, while I was taking pictures at Washington Park, NYC, someone approached me and said  that I was cute and beautiful. They then asked if we could exchange social media handles.

First of all, whenever strangers, especially men, smile at me or approach me, my first instinct is to think, “He’s going to kidnap me.”

Now, after getting that out of the way, I had a moment to myself. I thanked him for the compliments, but politely declined. He was a gentleman and didn’t pressure me further. We parted ways, and it was a polite encounter.

It was an interesting encounter for me because it made me reflect on myself and the journey I’ve been on. I appreciate people giving me compliments, and while they can still boost my ego sometimes, they don’t thrill me like they used to. I don’t crave outside attention and validation for my self-worth like I used to.  They say insecurity is loud and deep confidence is silent. The more we face challenges or learn from life’s experiences, sometimes the more quiet we become. Outside attention doesn’t make me thrive. It’s the self-acceptance, self-compassion, and radical honesty towards my emotions( both high and low) and my needs, that have deepened my roots as a human being instead of an imaginary/self-constructed inflated persona. 

In this day and age, when swiping, double tapping, or direct messaging is the norm, someone had the courage to approach and ask in person. Even when rejected, they remained composed, poised, and respectful. Such are refreshing and show that kindness and hope still exist.

Some might say to me, “you are naive and overly optimistic,” concluding from only one encounter. Well, that’s me, I still choose to believe in the good in others. Perhaps, that’s what makes the world a better place. A little optimism can go a long way. And We’ll see where it takes me. There’s always something to learn from every encounter.

Best,

Tiffany ❤

10.20.2020 A week after mom passed away

Lately, I have been waking up in the middle of the night. Sometimes, I am awake at five or six and usually wouldn’t  be able to go back to sleep afterward- memory flashbacks like movies.  

I could’ve taken sleeping pills for it, but I don’t want to. I want to experience them, the thoughts, the emotions. I want to capture them instead of  letting them fade away. I do not want to let go of anything that’s related to you. I am scared that I will forget about you. I want to utilize words to solidify the fluidity of the mind- let it become something that I can hold on to. I want to hold on to you forever. 

Someone sent me messages asking if I was okay. To be honest to others and myself, I am not. Depressed? Sure. I am fully aware of that. It’s painful not knowing what you are going through, and there is the other which you know exactly what’s going on. On one hand you are the watcher, keeping yourself in check. On the other hand, you know this is a process. You must take a deeper dive into the unknown, lose yourself to the highs and the lows. Then you can come back and breathe again. 

I used to think strength is when you are immune to pain. It’s not. Having strength can mean you are able to feel deeply, feel it all but not let it devour you. You come back not to be numb, instead remain gentle and compassionate to the world. The ability to endure and transform your pain is what being strong truly means.  Let yourself feel and elevate. 

Now more than 100 days later…. part of the poem from Amanda Gorman The Hill We Climb resonated with me deeply-

“That even as we grieved, we grew. That even as we hurt, we hoped; that even as we tired, we tried; … …

For there is always light. If only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it.

Be happy be free,

Tiffanie ❤

10.18.2020

Tonight I somehow thought of these lyrics from

Moment of Truth – Gang Starr

Sometimes you gotta dig deep, when problems come near

Don’t fear things get severe for everybody everywhere

Why do bad things happen, to good people?

Seems that life is just a constant war between good and evil

The situation that I’m facin, is mad amazin

To think such problems can arise from minor confrontations

Now I’m contemplatin in my bedroom pacin

Dark clouds over my head, my heart’s racin

Suicide? nah, I’m not a foolish guy

Don’t even feel like drinking, or even gettin high

Cause all that’s gonna do really, is accelerate

The anxieties that I wish I could alleviate

But wait, I’ve been through a whole lot of other shit, before

So I oughta be able, to withstand some more

But I’m sweating though, my eyes are turning red and yo

I’m ready to lose my mind but instead I use my mind

… …

Yo I got one lyric pointed at your head for start

Another one, is pointed at your weak ass heart.

*****

I have to say that often times I think I am a tough chick and I am strong. You know like the type that they are so independent and don’t need anybody else in their lives. When you keep thinking that way you BECOME your thinking. And I did, to a point where I felt that I had to load up all the burdens on my shoulders and hold on to all the worries within me. They might not show on the outside but slowly they are eating me up from the inside.

It’s easier to bottle up, to hold on rather than letting go. And letting go requires courage.

*****

I feel like crying at the moment because the one Pilates teacher that has been training me is going to be on sick leave. For these months, I feel like I have grown so much and making progress toward something more real, mentally and physically. It’s hard to hear she will be away- the person that saw more potential and believed in me more than I did. What I have been thinking about is now manifesting in reality- that one day, I need to be my own coach. I need to be the one that sees potential and deeply believes in my ability(especially when facing hardships.) I need to be the one that keeps “yelling” at myself- “Amazing! Keeping lifting up higher! Just a few more seconds! You didn’t breathe right, so you need to re-do it.” The day has come. It’s a test. All the pain is a test. My first reaction was feeling like crying, it’s human. Fears, perhaps. And instantly I refused the chance to work with other instructors. Quickly I realized that I was retracting to my old self and reacting in the same way. Then I stopped and told myself I need to stop acting like a big baby. I need to continue to work on my weaknesses and keep building on what we have built while she is away. I have to start thinking differently – I am strong. I am capable. I am unstoppable.

My instructor’s first name means to “shine from bright joy” in Greek. I thought that was interesting. Lastly, she might be the light, she might be the guide, but I am the captain and my will drives the ship. I can either go back, stay at the same spot, or continue my exploration forward. It’s all in my control.

12.13.2020- two months after mom passed away. I think I slipped, falling back to how I used to be spending much time on social media. As a result and like you have read above, my thoughts are little scattered. Social medias are powerful tools. If you are not using them mindfully, they are simply traps/rabbit holes harnessing your daily energy and valuable time.

10.14.2020

My brother-in-law woke me at three in the morning. Witnessing my mother’s cremation, watching her transform into ashes, was a brutal blow to reality. Each wave of grief felt like the first, a relentless assault.

It was a suffocating experience – my body trembling, tears streaming uncontrollably. The world felt hostile, leaving me with an overwhelming sense of helplessness. I yearned to lash out, to break things, but all my strength had vanished. I cried until exhaustion finally overtook me, and I drifted back to sleep around five or six.

Given all the data and introspection, can we ever truly control anything in this life? Our birth, our death, the fleeting moments with loved ones – these are largely beyond our grasp.

Ultimately, all that remains are our ashes and the profound relationships and memories we’ve forged. We may believe ourselves to be the drivers of our own destinies, but perhaps we are merely passengers on this journey?

LT. 2020

10.13.2020

The day you left or should I say you have returned to where you came from? Where you actually belong.  

The sky was crying or was that you?

Your soul was trapped. 

Your body was shackled to bed and entangled by tubes. 

I could feel you.

Finally set free from being held in for so long. 

I know you were tired. 

Very tired.  

*

You were the rain.

Gently coming down and saturating the soil

like your love for the three of us, for the people around you

nurturing and cultivating us, naturally, unconditionally 

we grow and blossom 

I don’t want you to go

I wish I could hold on to you tightly, forever

I would beg on my knees 

Use my time on this earth in exchange to extend yours

I know that’s just me being childish 

you were tired 

I need to let you go, regardless of how much it hurts from within

I love you and I have to set you free 

*

Everyone said sorry for my loss

I never owned you, mother

I am part of you, a continuation of you 

I am you 

I will take good care of myself 

Hopefully becoming a strong woman like you 

Continue to give,to love, selflessly 

Be an anchor for self and others

*

I never thought that I would start enjoying a rainy day

I never thought that I could be so calm 

Oh 

I am you, mother 

I am the rain 

Rest in peace now and see you later, mommy.  

10.13.2020 time 8:15am location – Downtown Boston

9.30.2020

Scrolling on instagram, one hour seems like a second. Working out on the reformer/cadillac, one second feels like an eternity. 

Sorry Pilates, I have underestimated you.  Little did I know that Pilates increases my stamina- giving me strength to get up in the mornings later on when it feels like an absolute drag.

You don’t stop when you are tired, stop when you are done. 

“Just a few more seconds! You can do this! Push through and you can rest!” Instructor Chara’s  voice is now forever imprinted in my head. 

I used to think about going back to the gym at midnight, now I cannot wait to get back on a reformer.  Such an elegant and sophisticated apparatus!

****

Strangely, many years later, I am back on WordPress. Trying to write and with the same idea in mind – you are not alone.

I am tired of Instagram. It’s so much about trends, exaggerated reactions, and sales. I mean, of course, there are good inspirations, but much of them do not sustain. It’s not enough for me at this moment any more. I want to see more depth of my self and of life.

I hope writing and looking inward is going to help me find what I am looking for.

Be happy be free,

Tiffanie ❤