Next month marks two decades since I arrived in the U.S. Witnessing the transformation of America, especially New York, has been remarkable. But the most profound change has been within myself. Assimilation has chipped away at some parts of who I was, yet unearthed unexpected facets I never knew existed. I hope this process of self-discovery continues, to keep finding new pieces of me in the years to come.
Lately, however, a gnawing sense of burnout has settled in. Emptiness lingers, and the search for lasting happiness feels elusive. It’s like filling an empty stomach – it solves one problem, but countless others remain.
Is this a mid-life crisis? Seeking answers, I reached out to friends and teachers. Their responses, filled with empathy, echoed a familiar refrain: “Overthinking, uncertainty, helplessness – that sounds about right.” “But what next? How do we cope?”
Their heartfelt advice hasn’t yet revealed the escape route from this abyss. It seems trial and error is the only path. Perhaps there’s solace in putting pen to paper, solidifying the swirling thoughts within. Each one externalized is a weight lifted from my mind.
To you, dear readers,
While I may not have solutions, I offer solace: you are not alone. These feelings are normal, human. And remember, this too shall pass.
If I could, I’d hold your heart when it aches. Perhaps, someday, we can hold each other’s hearts, a beacon of shared experience in this journey of life.
Yesterday, while I was taking pictures at Washington Park, NYC, someone approached me and said that I was cute and beautiful. They then asked if we could exchange social media handles.
First of all, whenever strangers, especially men, smile at me or approach me, my first instinct is to think, “He’s going to kidnap me.”
Now, after getting that out of the way, I had a moment to myself. I thanked him for the compliments, but politely declined. He was a gentleman and didn’t pressure me further. We parted ways, and it was a polite encounter.
It was an interesting encounter for me because it made me reflect on myself and the journey I’ve been on. I appreciate people giving me compliments, and while they can still boost my ego sometimes, they don’t thrill me like they used to. I don’t crave outside attention and validation for my self-worth like I used to. They say insecurity is loud and deep confidence is silent. The more we face challenges or learn from life’s experiences, sometimes the more quiet we become. Outside attention doesn’t make me thrive. It’s the self-acceptance, self-compassion, and radical honesty towards my emotions( both high and low) and my needs, that have deepened my roots as a human being instead of an imaginary/self-constructed inflated persona.
In this day and age, when swiping, double tapping, or direct messaging is the norm, someone had the courage to approach and ask in person. Even when rejected, they remained composed, poised, and respectful. Such are refreshing and show that kindness and hope still exist.
Some might say to me, “you are naive and overly optimistic,” concluding from only one encounter. Well, that’s me, I still choose to believe in the good in others. Perhaps, that’s what makes the world a better place. A little optimism can go a long way. And We’ll see where it takes me. There’s always something to learn from every encounter.
Mise En Place; I used to live near Pearl River, Guangzhou, China
Cook with your “heart”
Finished product.
“Today I am drowned in waves of emotions, from acute homesicness and longing achese for the good old days and little bit of the age of innocence…” (written by Suu M. Khin, one of the three finalists from TV show Mater Chef Season 11, on her instagram post.) I can definitely relate to her feeling around this time of the year. I have been thinking about my mom a lot lately, espcially the dishes that she used to make, the rituals that she used to perform on Chinese Lunar New Year.
One of my fondest memories of my mother is her getting up super early on the first day of the New Year to prepare this dish called Zaai (Buddha’s Delight). After she finished cooking, she would wake me up and say, “It’s a new year, rise early and be productive.” I would jump out of bed and happily put on my new set of clothes, give offerings and prayers to our ancestors. After that, I would have Zaai and couldn’t wait to wish others a happy new year and collect my Lai See (red envelopes).
We often say, “we are what we eat.” I cannot agree more. What we eat does not only build us physically and provide us with nutrients to sustain our lives. What we eat also gives us our identities. It can tell stories about our origins, the cultures we were born into, and how we were raised. Food and dishes we eat become witnesses to our success and our comfort in times of sickness and hardships.
Today, I decided to recreate this common Zaai, dedicating it to the one and only, my mother, in heaven. Working in the kitchen feels like a therapy to me (and of course only when it’s my choice) and a connection to feel closer to my mom again.
Today, I took a virtual Pilates class on mat with Peggy from Bodytonic .
One thing she said was, “No judgement, go at your own pace. Your strength will build up day by day”
That instantly cleared my head and stopped me from worrying. I think I performed better than I imagined I could. (aka I was able to follow along and finish the reps with her, most of the time. ) I still wanted to do more even after her class finished.
Lately I found myself being extremely inpatient. I need to set a constant reminder to self, you don’t build true strength in seconds/days/weeks. It takes months or years consistently, plus the accumulation of sweat, tears, pain, for it to develop and be maintained.
Slow progress is still progress. Trust and enjoy the process. Let those abs burn! Believe me you will come out feeling stronger and a bit freer.
Scrolling on instagram, one hour seems like a second. Working out on the reformer/cadillac, one second feels like an eternity.
Sorry Pilates, I have underestimated you. Little did I know that Pilates increases my stamina- giving me strength to get up in the mornings later on when it feels like an absolute drag.
You don’t stop when you are tired, stop when you are done.
“Just a few more seconds! You can do this! Push through and you can rest!” Instructor Chara’s voice is now forever imprinted in my head.
I used to think about going back to the gym at midnight, now I cannot wait to get back on a reformer. Such an elegant and sophisticated apparatus!
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Strangely, many years later, I am back on WordPress. Trying to write and with the same idea in mind – you are not alone.
I am tired of Instagram. It’s so much about trends, exaggerated reactions, and sales. I mean, of course, there are good inspirations, but much of them do not sustain. It’s not enough for me at this moment any more. I want to see more depth of my self and of life.
I hope writing and looking inward is going to help me find what I am looking for.
sweet-willows.com 